Grief makes us do weird things at times.
I’ve noticed I’ve gotten pretty obsessive during my grief. I feel like, and I could be wrong, but I think a lot especially when I am alone and I think it’s because I’m scared, I’m going to forget him, the things he liked, the things we did together, had together, or whatever. So that’s why every time I see anything Batman I buy it. That’s why I have an entire wall in our room filled with pictures form our life. That’s why his loofah, toothbrush, and body wash are still in our bathroom. And why all of his clothes and shoes are still where he left them in our room.
I’m terrified to forget him. I know forgetting Chris isn’t possible, but it’s always a common fear when you lose someone.
When I’m scrolling on social media, my new fave platform is tiktok which I’m sure is a lot of peoples. I always get so excited when I come across a video of another widow. Which sounds really weird. Cause like why would you be excited that someone else is going through the same thing as you? And I’m not, at all happy that they are experiencing the same thing as me. But I am thankful to see other widows on my social media platforms that I can interact with. I get excited to see someone that I don’t know personally, but that knows exactly what I am going through emotionally, they know the heartache I feel daily, even if their spouse passed differently than mine.
So just the other day, I came across a video “Tell me you’re grieving without actually telling me you’re grieving.” And it made me realize, all of us do similar things. Read books about grief and loss or that have to do with being widows. Have TONS of pictures of our spouses and our lives with our spouses (like more than we would if they were here) around our home. Keeping their toothbrushes, body washes and other personal hygiene items. And all of their clothes and shoes in the same place that they left them the day they left this earth.
We may think these things are weird and don’t want others to know, but they really aren’t. It’s normal, a normal part of the grieving process. We lost our soulmates for fucks sakes. This is the cold hard truth of grief. I know a lot of people are taught to hide all of this away and never let anyone see it. But you know, that’s one of the many reasons I started this blog. To show others that are grieving that what you’re doing is Okay, it’s normal, we all do it. If I don’t, someone out there does, I promise.
I just wanted to pop on and write this quick little piece and add this video I shared on my social media. This is what my grieving process looks like, this is what grieving the loss of my husband looks like. I’m not ashamed, or embarrassed. This is the raw, emotional truth of grief.