There are so many things I want to talk about, especially since it’s been a while since I have posted anything…again. Let’s start with mental health, since it is mental health awareness month. And I had a huge thing happen to me yesterday that I’d like to talk about!
Mental health has been a huge part of my life for the last probably 5 years. After losing my grandma and a few other things happening in my life I decided taking care of my mental health needed to be priority in my life. It’s like something clicked, I literally woke up and thought if I don’t start taking care of my mental health something bad could happen. For a long time I handled it on my own, I could. I didn’t need anything else. I could deal with self care. When Chris passed away, I knew I couldn’t do it alone anymore and that’s when I turned to therapy and medication. I want to make it very clear, you are not giving up if you need to start going to therapy or if you need medication to help you. Admitting you need more help proves how strong you are.
Loneliness. Most days I’m fine being alone. I enjoy it even, I come home from work, watch my shows, have dinner, relax. But it also has been a year and 6 months since Chris has passed away, so I have gotten used to it. I miss my family. I miss picking the boys up from school, coming home, cooking dinner, movie nights, going to the park. Going on adventures on the weekends with Chris and the boys, or Meisha and the boys. I haven’t talked much about the situation with the boys, because it’s hard and it just sucks. That will be a story for another day. It’s gotten easier over the months learning to live alone again, at first, I was having such bad anxiety. I couldn’t sleep or eat. My stomach hurt all the time. My chest hurt so bad constantly, my heart hurt all of the time. I’m doing much better now. Time and medication has helped me a lot. I haven’t gone to therapy in awhile, I do need to get back into that because I am struggling a bit again. I’ve been having some panic attacks, and other issues lately.
So yesterday I decided to go out and drive for UberEATS to get a little extra cash. Im on my second delivery it’s a Starbucks order, easy enough right? Not so much. The delivery address was across the bridge on Veterans Hospital Rd, I was like wow why would I get that order I’m in SE Portland on 82nd? I didn’t look at the order in detail I just took it. So I go get the order and head over to drop it off. I start getting anxious cause I’m heading the way I would go to see Chris when he was in the hospital (At OHSU). It takes me up the windy hill up to OHSU and tears start filling my eyes, my chest gets tight, I could feel a panic attack coming. I try so hard to breathe through it. The moment I hit the bump I always would hit going up to see him I lost it. Instant tears, crying uncontrollably. I couldn’t hold it back. I see the hospital and I lose it even more, I try so hard to keep going because I’m literally in the middle of a freaking uber delivery. I can stop crying for a literal second to park and deliver the order. I get back into my car and instantly lose it all over again. I know I should have pulled over but I needed to get away. I’ll be honest I was crying so hard I almost couldn’t see anything, I was almost to the point of hyperventilating. I almost felt the need to actually pull over and call my mom so she could talk me down, because I couldn’t stop. I see things every day that remind me if Chris and sometimes they make me sad and cry. But that was the first time since the day I left there without him that I had been back up to that hospital and I just couldn’t handle it.
Mental health is a scary subject for a lot of people. I get it. We have all been taught to be quiet and not talk about it and just deal with it. I’m not writing this or my blog in general for attention. I’m writing this for myself obviously, to get my thoughts out. But also, to help others. Help others going through the same, similar, or just dealing with mental health in general. It’s OKAY TO TALK ABOUT IT. If you need to talk to someone, if you need to write about it, whatever you need to do to help yourself. My inboxes are always open to anyone and everyone who needs an ear, support or a should always, even if I don’t know you or we’ve never met.
We need to normalize mental health and getting help. The negative stigma that shadows it just scares people away from getting literal life saving help. I know this is a generational thing, my best friend and I have had many conversations about it. Because our generation has started to normalize mental health and getting help, going to therapy, etc. Stay happy friends! Until next time <3
National Suicide Prevention Hotline; 800-273-TALK
Crisis Text Line ; 741741